Oh man, it's getting really rough. In the past 24 hours alone I feel like my attraction/obsession has gotten twice as bad. I love that woman *SO* incredibly much that I feel like I want to explode. What am I supposed to do? Sometimes I think I might actually have a chance, and that's something that really bothers me -- not because I wouldn't want the chance, of course, but because I must truly be delusional to think I have even half a chance in hell. Right? Because surely I don't.
The thing that always makes me wonder is the fact that she's, well ... a bit of an exhibitionist? I used to think everything I observed was entirely unintentional and innocent, but now I doubt it. Her favorite thing to do is wear skirts and then sit with her legs pulled up, or else swing her legs a bit widely when she uncrosses and recrosses. Now things like that could very well be an innocent habit, but ... I dunno. She's kind of a flirt. Once I was working with another girl, a very open lesbian, on a particular project and we needed this professor's assistance, so the entire time in her office she sat with her legs pulled up in a pair of shorts so tiny that even *I* wouldn't wear them, and seemed to purposely face the lesbian girl the whole time. I mean, it could very well have been my imagination because I'm sure I want to see things like that (it'll make me feel like I have a chance), but the problem is that I really can't tell. Even when I try to be entirely objective (because I certainly don't want to psych myself up thinking there might be something there), I still can't decide whether or not she's intentionally a little naughty or if it's just a misinterpretation on my part.
But she is young (30-ish) and extraordinarily brilliant and absolutely gorgeous, and I know for a fact that she has a thing for power. She likes it; I'd even go so far as to say it gets her going. Now, whether or not she'd ever act on it is a different story. I mean, she's definitely the "innocent" type so far as things go; she might be a flirt, but that's the extent of things. We're fairly close and we talk a lot, and she's definitely a very straight-laced, by-the-books type of person. But if the power gets her off, maybe she could be "convinced" to act on things?
Ugh, what am I saying? It would be so wrong. I don't want cheap sex. I don't want anything that's less than genuine, mutual feeling. I love her not because she's attractive (don't get me wrong, it's a great plus), but because she's just a wonderful human being. Her mind is sicker than the even newest, fresh-out-of-the-box Apple computer, and she really is a sweetheart, so willing to help and so passionate about her subject area. God, she's just the most adorable little nerd. I LOVE nerds.
I love her.
This is so frustrating.
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